A TBO Homage: 'Deadlier Than The Male.'

[Nik_SpeakerToCats]

As 'Deadlier than the Male's inimitable 'John Williams' theme played out, before our small Homeville cinema's lights came up, I slipped my hanky from its pocket, dabbed my eyes. And, as always, checked the slit was clear to my 'Concealed Carry'.

"Nan ?" Adolescent Darlene puzzled as our party made its way out, "You're very quiet ? By now, you're usually pulling a war-movie to pieces !"

"They got more than usual right..." I shook my head. "I wonder who talked ?"

"Huh ? But, Nan ! The enigmatic 'M' ? 'Pony', her deputy ? Luscious 'Cici', 'I'm not bad, Darling, I'm just drawn that way...' ? And their 'Mistress of Mayhem', Lisa Jones, 'Code-name: MONGOOSE' ? Swanned around confounding the Gestapo ? Blew up houses ? Burned down mansions ? Poisoned an entire SS Barracks ? Derailed that troop-train into a lake ? Then hyped your rescue of Grand-Dad ? Seriously ?"

"Captain, then Lady Matlock," I quietly replied. "Equestrian Dawn Asher, 'The Dasher'. Ginger Michelle McGuire, the one and only 'Crimson Courtesan'. Except 'Cici' was 'Team Flirt's Cassie Connolly, as Mickey worked out of Vienna, then Odessa. Had to spend a decade hiding from the 'War Crimes' teams, who reckoned she'd spirited the vile 'Odessa Five' to safety. Perhaps Argentina ? Mexico ? But, she was one of us and, having coaxed those five monsters from hiding, drowned them--"

"Huh ?"

"The film did conflate me with our best sniper, Olwyn O'Riley, 'Code-name: HORNBY', and Genny Jones, 'Code-name: FISHPLATE', who did that train. She even made it look like a hapless German patrol caused the big cliff-edge break-away and rock-fall...

"Still, they got most of the rest right, even the Fly-Boy rescue ! I did knife two, 'muffle' three, then sweep the rest with 'Berrt', my Sten." I shrugged. "The Germans called my handiwork 'Das Waffengeist'. But most was too terrible for the 'Settlement Report', never mind a 'family' movie..."

"You-- YOU were 'MONGOOSE' ??"

"For a while. 'Hostilities Only'." I shrugged. "Olwyn switched to spy-hunting."

"You gotta be kidding !"

"I really was remarkably deadly. Remember I collected that generous 'Bank of Homeville' reward after their attempted robbery ? Went into your college funds ? Officially, Jim the Security guy shot first, I'd just made certain all five stayed down. But before he'd cleared leather, I'd nape-nailed both shot-gun wielders and their pistol-waving bag-man, back-shot their rear-guard, head-shot their get-away driver. Though Jim put a couple of shaky rounds into each to be sure, to be sure, he and both Tellers knew what they'd seen..."

"I do not believe it..."

"Remember that trouble with the 'Fricker' Biker-gang up at the old 'Red Gulch Ranch' ? Called themselves 'Fourth Reichers' ? Ran a big meth lab ? All died in a faction fight and huge fire ?

"Your Aunt Jan's Big-C had metastasized, so she was really glum. I asked if she'd help me do some 'Pest Control', send an 'Honour Guard' ahead on Charon's Barge. Oh, yes !

"I swapped the big bolt-action's barrel and firing pin for spares long-shelved 'Against Need'. Put enough range rounds through to settle the 'pattern', re-zero the nice scope. Took my brass 'For Reloading'. Jan drove the jeep, had pump-action and AR for local cover. I'd the long-gun, bipod, flash suppressor and ample FMJs.

"We set up on the next ridge, a clear half-mile South-East of the compound, the morning sun in those Frickers' eyes. Their sound-system was so loud that, if their play-list had decent words, we could have sung along. Jan called the shots for me to walk plunging fire onto their old, single-skin fuel truck, dial in the scope.

"Gurgle, gurgle, gurgle. Truck wasn't fully bunded so, when I hit the meth-trailer and that caught alight, everything went up. Jan and I took turns putting pairs of three-round clips into the chaos: Vehicle barn, house, generators, tank-farm...

"With bikes and pick-ups burned or wrecked, some tried to walk out. Three got to the road. Tried to car-jack the dusty jeep that came along. Our jeep. Us 'Pistol Packin' Mommas' herded them into the desert, tossed them down a ravine.

"A few months later, when her Big-C set in, Jan checked out with pride.

"Yes, Sheriff Johnson and the Feds suspected me. But I knew the long-gun's ballistics were untraceable because I'd swapped its barrel and pin back. So, they called it a 'Faction Fight', closed the file..."

"Uh... " Darlene took a while to find words. "Nan, you're a mass-murderer ??"

"Absolutely !" I shrugged. "Training us clever kids as spies and assassins was beyond unforgiveable, but necessary."

"Aren't you afraid I'll talk ?"

"Who'd believe you ? I'm the very last of us 'Dour Hall' girls. There's no proof my career was way-wilder than even those 'Jane Bond: Double-O' stories Ian Fleming spun from his cousin Olwyn's exploits. And," I tapped my chest, "from the way this pace-maker keeps zapping me, I do not have long to go."

"Uh... Uh, Nan, aren't you afraid to face the 'Grim Reaper' ?"

"No." I shook my head. "I've sent him enough business. Besides, I'm 1:0 up, he'll need 'Best of Three'..."

"Nan ??"

"Long story: Now, shall we audit today's 'Special' at the ice-cream parlour ?"

[jemhouston]

End of Era, may we not have need of their kind again.

Pray that we still can make their kind again.

[kdahm]

That's one of those, "I'd pay to bring her into to court on charges, just so she can tell her stories for the record."

[Nik_SpeakerToCats]

I almost had this ready to post a week ago, but kept waking with yet more 'Easter Eggs'...
Count the ways !!