Family, and recent strange news

[Craiglxviii]

A strange thing happened to us as a family last week. If any of you have seen the TV show "Long Lost Families" you may relate to this.

Some brief background. As you guys may know, I have some pretty heavy Italian heritage from mother's side; growing up, it seemed like we spent more time in the holidays in Italy than in the UK. Partly this was to do with my father's relationship with his immediate family; growing up he was not close to his brother or sister; his parents had "played favourites" and he wasn't one of them. As this developed into later life, he became the dutiful son who ended up looking after his parents in their old age. This is where my story starts.

Mid noughties, my paternal grandmother's funeral. The last time my immediate nuclear family (my parents, my brother and I) saw any of the rest of the British side of our family. Without going into details, after a number of years of doing nothing but pilfer money and possessions away from grandmother without actually providing care, or in fact doing anything to help, my aunt & uncle sided with each other against my father, who had been appointed executor of her will. Not that her estate amounted to much, thanks to their doings.

So. Last week. Wednesday to be precise. THere was a knock at my parent's front door. Dad opened it to find his nephew, my cousin, my uncle's eldest. Not seen since the funeral; he asked to come in, sat down and spent 5 hours talking. And, boy, what a story he had to tell. Nothing good either.

It turned out that his father had kicked him out at the age of 18. Now, we had "known" this in the sense that my uncle had always joked about it. But we did not know that it had happened after a major argument between them had turned into a major beatdown of dad vs 18yo son, ending with him being physically thrown out into the garden... then recovering some possessions, and living in his car under an abaondoned railway arch for 3 months until he could get himself on his feet. got signed up to an electrical apprenticeship and ended up setting himself up as a sparky. He's done well for himself, wife and family, nice house etc. Fair play.

What he told however... was that all through his life, his father had detested mine. Utter hatred. The worst curse he could come out with was, "You're as bad as your uncle". This was news to us, my own father had never suspected it, not for a second. So pretty harsh news. Then we found that my uncle died 3 months ago. Alone and unvisited, from lung cancer, in a hospice. He had written his son out of his will; 5 years prior when his wife (cousn's mother) was terminally ill in a hospice he'd declined continued care, had her life support turned off and run away with another woman- who he had signed his will over to. HIs other son (cousin's younger brother)..? Died 12 years ago, sudden heart attack brought on by sleep apnea. Aged 37- he was my contemporary growing up. Then, as the conversation drifted, it turned out that my aunt (father's sister) had also died some years back, cause unknown to him.

Now the scary thing? He'd only found my parents on ancestry.com; lives 7 miles from my parents, and only 3 miles from my brother (both off the same main road). He's extremely keen to get to know/ reconnect with us all, has children close in age to mine, has missed his family for a decade and a half- and it all seems really genuine. I remember him very fondly from when I was much younger.

After finding this out, I paid a visit (cold call)- my cousin wasn't in but his wife was, and a lovely family he has. Really nice people.

So, in a very real sense my family has both grown and shrunk- an uncle, a cousin and two aunts whom I will never see again (but likely would never have anyway), but a cousin + family has reappeared and wants to reconnect.

it should be an interesting Christmas & New Year!

[Wolfman]

Interesting story there.

[jemhouston]

Interesting times

[Wolfman]

Interesting times

No kidding.

[Belushi TD]

The best of luck to you.

Not to be too callous, but it appears that time may have discarded the dross and presented you with the gold. Here's hoping that is the case, and you and yours are able to have a long and happy relationship with each other.

Belushi TD

[Craiglxviii]

The best of luck to you.

Not to be too callous, but it appears that time may have discarded the dross and presented you with the gold. Here's hoping that is the case, and you and yours are able to have a long and happy relationship with each other.

Belushi TD

Thanks, and not too callous either. They were my thoughts too.

[Edi]

I have a viewpoint for this:

I think it is an unexpected boon to find new family in this way, despite the tragic history, and I hope you can grow a friendly, positive relationship with them and become close again as a clan. Your uncle being dead is a blessing, not in disguise, but an unadulterated, unalloyed good. Good riddance to a person who was, by all indications, an utter and complete piece of shit. The world will not miss him, but you have gained new family and since they seem to be good folks, there is joy to be found there.

I have an uncle, my actual godfather, whom I actively wish were dead, and the day he dies, I will raise a glass in toast to bid him good riddance, and if I never see him again while he is still alive, it will be too soon by far. The blithering idiot is an all-out Putinist, fully supporting Vladimir's war in Ukraine without any reservations. Given that our family are Karelian refugees from Viborg, that's saying something. He has an almost supernatural ability to be absolutely, positively wrong on any topic he chooses to discuss. His Russian KGB agent wife is even more stupid and credulous (he met her while stationed as a diplomat in Moscow in the 1970s, so obviously not planted at all, no sir, all totally above board), to the point that I actually had to explain that Israel's Iron Dome anti-missile defense system does NOT mean a literal dome of iron over all the country. I wish I were joking, but I'm not. My uncle is also the same moron who worked in the Foreign Ministry for over 30 years, but I still had to bend it out of railway track for him (as opposed to bend it out of iron wire, as the Finnish idiom goes) what the difference between Sunni and Shia Muslims is. He did not know there were any diferences between Muslims, which he should have as a matter of professional basics.

The point is, you can choose your friends, but you can't choose your relatives, so sometimes you learn about all the shit that went down only after the fact. I love my cousin, my useless uncle's daughter, because she is a genuinely good person despite all the shit they put her through. She has a lovely family, married an old classmate of hers from East Germany, a guy whose family was on Stasi's shitlist (there's another story all on its own) and she's thankfully nothing like her parents.

Seems like you have a similar situation going on. So take this gift as it appears and build a relationship with him and his family. If all is as it appears, you will definitely not regret it. It will be a joy to discover what your families can forge together. And then you can bury the past and piss on its grave for good measure while you shape a brighter future for all of you.

[Craiglxviii]

Thank you Edi. That makes a lot of sense. And certainly made me laugh- I’m starting to appreciate Finnish humour!

[warshipadmin]

My wife had a very funny one last year, it turns out she is great granddaughter of a serial bigamist. This bloke grew up in London, married a woman had kids, left went to Scotland, married a woman had kids, left and went to India, married an Indian lady, had kids, and then came back to the UK for a final bout of family life. I think he has populated about half the Empire.