Family, and recent strange news
Posted: Fri Nov 18, 2022 1:24 pm
A strange thing happened to us as a family last week. If any of you have seen the TV show "Long Lost Families" you may relate to this.
Some brief background. As you guys may know, I have some pretty heavy Italian heritage from mother's side; growing up, it seemed like we spent more time in the holidays in Italy than in the UK. Partly this was to do with my father's relationship with his immediate family; growing up he was not close to his brother or sister; his parents had "played favourites" and he wasn't one of them. As this developed into later life, he became the dutiful son who ended up looking after his parents in their old age. This is where my story starts.
Mid noughties, my paternal grandmother's funeral. The last time my immediate nuclear family (my parents, my brother and I) saw any of the rest of the British side of our family. Without going into details, after a number of years of doing nothing but pilfer money and possessions away from grandmother without actually providing care, or in fact doing anything to help, my aunt & uncle sided with each other against my father, who had been appointed executor of her will. Not that her estate amounted to much, thanks to their doings.
So. Last week. Wednesday to be precise. THere was a knock at my parent's front door. Dad opened it to find his nephew, my cousin, my uncle's eldest. Not seen since the funeral; he asked to come in, sat down and spent 5 hours talking. And, boy, what a story he had to tell. Nothing good either.
It turned out that his father had kicked him out at the age of 18. Now, we had "known" this in the sense that my uncle had always joked about it. But we did not know that it had happened after a major argument between them had turned into a major beatdown of dad vs 18yo son, ending with him being physically thrown out into the garden... then recovering some possessions, and living in his car under an abaondoned railway arch for 3 months until he could get himself on his feet. got signed up to an electrical apprenticeship and ended up setting himself up as a sparky. He's done well for himself, wife and family, nice house etc. Fair play.
What he told however... was that all through his life, his father had detested mine. Utter hatred. The worst curse he could come out with was, "You're as bad as your uncle". This was news to us, my own father had never suspected it, not for a second. So pretty harsh news. Then we found that my uncle died 3 months ago. Alone and unvisited, from lung cancer, in a hospice. He had written his son out of his will; 5 years prior when his wife (cousn's mother) was terminally ill in a hospice he'd declined continued care, had her life support turned off and run away with another woman- who he had signed his will over to. HIs other son (cousin's younger brother)..? Died 12 years ago, sudden heart attack brought on by sleep apnea. Aged 37- he was my contemporary growing up. Then, as the conversation drifted, it turned out that my aunt (father's sister) had also died some years back, cause unknown to him.
Now the scary thing? He'd only found my parents on ancestry.com; lives 7 miles from my parents, and only 3 miles from my brother (both off the same main road). He's extremely keen to get to know/ reconnect with us all, has children close in age to mine, has missed his family for a decade and a half- and it all seems really genuine. I remember him very fondly from when I was much younger.
After finding this out, I paid a visit (cold call)- my cousin wasn't in but his wife was, and a lovely family he has. Really nice people.
So, in a very real sense my family has both grown and shrunk- an uncle, a cousin and two aunts whom I will never see again (but likely would never have anyway), but a cousin + family has reappeared and wants to reconnect.
it should be an interesting Christmas & New Year!
Some brief background. As you guys may know, I have some pretty heavy Italian heritage from mother's side; growing up, it seemed like we spent more time in the holidays in Italy than in the UK. Partly this was to do with my father's relationship with his immediate family; growing up he was not close to his brother or sister; his parents had "played favourites" and he wasn't one of them. As this developed into later life, he became the dutiful son who ended up looking after his parents in their old age. This is where my story starts.
Mid noughties, my paternal grandmother's funeral. The last time my immediate nuclear family (my parents, my brother and I) saw any of the rest of the British side of our family. Without going into details, after a number of years of doing nothing but pilfer money and possessions away from grandmother without actually providing care, or in fact doing anything to help, my aunt & uncle sided with each other against my father, who had been appointed executor of her will. Not that her estate amounted to much, thanks to their doings.
So. Last week. Wednesday to be precise. THere was a knock at my parent's front door. Dad opened it to find his nephew, my cousin, my uncle's eldest. Not seen since the funeral; he asked to come in, sat down and spent 5 hours talking. And, boy, what a story he had to tell. Nothing good either.
It turned out that his father had kicked him out at the age of 18. Now, we had "known" this in the sense that my uncle had always joked about it. But we did not know that it had happened after a major argument between them had turned into a major beatdown of dad vs 18yo son, ending with him being physically thrown out into the garden... then recovering some possessions, and living in his car under an abaondoned railway arch for 3 months until he could get himself on his feet. got signed up to an electrical apprenticeship and ended up setting himself up as a sparky. He's done well for himself, wife and family, nice house etc. Fair play.
What he told however... was that all through his life, his father had detested mine. Utter hatred. The worst curse he could come out with was, "You're as bad as your uncle". This was news to us, my own father had never suspected it, not for a second. So pretty harsh news. Then we found that my uncle died 3 months ago. Alone and unvisited, from lung cancer, in a hospice. He had written his son out of his will; 5 years prior when his wife (cousn's mother) was terminally ill in a hospice he'd declined continued care, had her life support turned off and run away with another woman- who he had signed his will over to. HIs other son (cousin's younger brother)..? Died 12 years ago, sudden heart attack brought on by sleep apnea. Aged 37- he was my contemporary growing up. Then, as the conversation drifted, it turned out that my aunt (father's sister) had also died some years back, cause unknown to him.
Now the scary thing? He'd only found my parents on ancestry.com; lives 7 miles from my parents, and only 3 miles from my brother (both off the same main road). He's extremely keen to get to know/ reconnect with us all, has children close in age to mine, has missed his family for a decade and a half- and it all seems really genuine. I remember him very fondly from when I was much younger.
After finding this out, I paid a visit (cold call)- my cousin wasn't in but his wife was, and a lovely family he has. Really nice people.
So, in a very real sense my family has both grown and shrunk- an uncle, a cousin and two aunts whom I will never see again (but likely would never have anyway), but a cousin + family has reappeared and wants to reconnect.
it should be an interesting Christmas & New Year!