Jokes

[jemhouston]

Why does butane float on water? It's a lighter fluid.

[David Newton]

What hydrocarbon is most in favour of causing hurt?

Pro-pane!

[gtg947h]

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[Belushi TD]

Did anyone know that Mortal Combat is based on a Scandanavian church song?



Apparently, it was a Finnish Hymn.



(my apologies to Edi and ... Pandion, if I recall correctly.)

Belushi TD

[Johnnie Lyle]

Am I a horrible person for suggesting "Ontos" when requested to supply a gender-neutral name?

....LOVE it....

Mike

I'm just remembering that I can't run or drive away when the woman finally learns what Ontos means...

People are naming their children after cruisers and steam sloops, so why not a tank destroyer?

[Poohbah]

Breaking news!

A scientific study has concluded that dogs can not operate an magnetic resonance imaging machine.

But cats can.

[Poohbah]

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[Poohbah]

Scientists have found a rare mutation in some goats.
It’s called the Billie gene, and causes them to believe the kid is not their son.

[jemhouston]

From Ace of Spades

The Saturday Night Joke


LARGEST SINGLE SHIPMENT OF MAYONNAISE

Most people don’t know that back in 1912, Hellmann’s mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.
The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were
disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as …

Sinko de Mayo. (H/T TNDeplorable)

[kdahm]

Nik would appreciate this one that came through one of my feeds:

Not quite an office rule, but…

In my early days working in a lab we were told we had to put expiry dates on all of our chemicals. As the most junior this task was given to me.

One month later we had an inspection. The report came through that I’d not put an expiry date on the bottle of sand. This is used for heating baths (you fill a container with sand and heat that container - it spreads the heat evenly) so it was irrelevant how old it was. However, anything to keep the peace so I put an expiry date on it.

The following month’s report had another complaint. About the sand. “But it’s got an expiry date on it! Was my plea.

“Yes, but October 15th 65,000,1978 isn’t realistic.” Came the reply.

“But that sand is already 200 million years old. It’s not going to go off before then.”

The powers that be issued an edict - nothing was to have an expiry date more than 3 years hence. So I was told I had to order new sand every three years in case the old stuff had gone off. You gotta be kidding me.

[jemhouston]

Nik would appreciate this one that came through one of my feeds:

Not quite an office rule, but…

In my early days working in a lab we were told we had to put expiry dates on all of our chemicals. As the most junior this task was given to me.

One month later we had an inspection. The report came through that I’d not put an expiry date on the bottle of sand. This is used for heating baths (you fill a container with sand and heat that container - it spreads the heat evenly) so it was irrelevant how old it was. However, anything to keep the peace so I put an expiry date on it.

The following month’s report had another complaint. About the sand. “But it’s got an expiry date on it! Was my plea.

“Yes, but October 15th 65,000,1978 isn’t realistic.” Came the reply.

“But that sand is already 200 million years old. It’s not going to go off before then.”

The powers that be issued an edict - nothing was to have an expiry date more than 3 years hence. So I was told I had to order new sand every three years in case the old stuff had gone off. You gotta be kidding me.

I think I worked there.

[Poohbah]

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[Poohbah]

Why are there Pop Tarts and not Mom Tarts?

Because of the Pastryarchy.

[gtg947h]

A man in a suit sits down at the hotel bar next to a beautiful woman. He orders a drink but it is obvious his attention is a little distracted. The woman notices, and having already downed a few strong drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says, "Listen here, good looking. I will screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, their place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on... It doesn't matter to me. I just love it."

His eyes now wide with interest, he responds, "No kidding... I'm in Government too. Are you federal or state?"

[Poohbah]

Do British websites use biscuits?

[jemhouston]

[Paul Nuttall]

Oh no, not again.........

Southsea Common apparently, haven't been there for over 20 years so cant tell form the background.

[Craiglxviii]

[Belushi TD]

Did you guys know that diarrhea is hereditary?









Apparently, it runs in your jeans.






I'll see myself out.

Belushi TD

[Poohbah]

Did you guys know that diarrhea is hereditary?









Apparently, it runs in your jeans.






I'll see myself out.

Belushi TD